Widowhood Is More Than…

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Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation.

Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection.

Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you.

Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.

Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s and without them you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously.

Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone, like a mist of a dream you begin to wonder if it happened at all.

Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without them.

Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you.

Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not their spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for 20 years? What is your purpose if the job of investing into your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here?

Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination.

Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. No body next to you. No partner to share your burden.

Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet.

Yes. It is much more than simply missing their presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time.

Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth.

Widowhood…..is life changing.

10 thoughts on “Widowhood Is More Than…

  1. Thank you for sharing this! Everything you wrote is spot on. I’m living this situation since my husband died from prostate cancer on Sept. 24,2018. I plan to share this with the ladies on my cancer widows page. Again thank you so much!

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    1. Wow this is so heart transparent . Exactly put into words when words usually fail. Find something you love and pour your soul into it .for me it’s creating and writing original music . It takes your grief , sets it in a box and puts it outside confines . Hard to escape grief during covid , but only through God can you reach beyond and be productive sharing your gifts with others . Put a smile on someone else’s face and you will warm your heart

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  2. Billie Richardson December 23, 2020 — 1:33 pm

    Oh my goodness everything you wrote I am living the tears I shed come out of know where when I least expect them since I lost my husband in late 2019 after a wonderful 52 years together a loss I will never get over.

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  3. Wow, I’m in tears reading this, it totally explains how I am feeling xx

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  4. This is profound! I would like to share this (with proper credit given to you, of course) with my grief counselor. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I too lost my husband in 2017. He had a heart attack while we were visiting our daughter in Hawaii for Thanksgiving. Your writing is encouraging and much needed for widows travelling this sad journey.

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  5. Very meaningful and helpful.

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  6. Oh my gosh , this was the most amazing thing I have ever read on widowhood! Perfect and I mean perfect translation! I lost my sweet Randy 6/19/2019 we were married 43 fantastic years, he passed in his sleep next to me unexpectedly after being diagnosed with a spot on his lungs 3 days prior, 3 days , never ever expecting him to die! A few days later I found out he was totally consumed with cancer. Never ever sick , never complained, was a workaholic! My life shattered and I will never be the same.
    Reading this was like someone tore the words right out of my heart and wrote them down on paper! I have read so many poems, short letters and nothing has ever described it as well as this! A friend who recently lost her husband sent his to me because she knew I needed to read it to feel the love and sorrow that it was written with! God Bless You and Thank you!

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  7. Expresses everything I’m going through. My sweetheart passed away three and half months ago after six years fighting cancer. We were married sixty four plus years. My one and only and I miss him so much!

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  8. Thanks from a Facebook friend who sent me this blog. It’s like reading my own story as I had just lost my 43 years husband from cancer one and a half years ago. Lonely and grieving still which I don’t know how to be happy again.

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